Source: TimesLeader.com, Feb 24, 2009
Denise Kumor, left, and Lorraine Smith enjoy the company of their dogs Toby, left, and Max, as they discuss their new pet loss support group, which will meet for the first time tomorrow.
Lorraine Smith remembers the emotional struggle she felt just trying to pay attention during class after her dog died when she was a graduate student. “I couldn’t stop crying and when there was a break in the lecture, my professor called me over and asked me what was wrong,” she recalled. “When I told him that my dog died, he said that he couldn’t help me, but that if it was a family member or friend who had died, he could.”
Despite the fact that 63 percent of all U.S. households own at least one animal, according to the national SPCA, the attitude of society toward persons grieving when a pet dies still hasn’t changed much since then. A person who feels inconsolable over the loss of an animal is often ridiculed by others.
Their mutual love of pets brought Smith and Denise Kumor together. But the two women learned they also had something else in common. Both previously worked in the health-care industry — Smith, as a hospice counselor, and Kumor, as a nurse working with AIDS patients — helping family members deal with the death of loved ones. They found that the same feelings of sadness and despair one experiences for a human loss often mirrors that for the loss of a pet.
So Smith and Kumor decided to reach out to other pet owners and organize a support group, the first of its kind in the Wyoming Valley area, for people who have lost pets through illness, accidents or euthanasia. The group’s initial meeting will be tomorrow at 7 p.m. at St. Francis Church Rectory, 13 Chandler St., Miners Mills, Wilkes-Barre. Meetings will be held on the last Wednesday of every month.
Smith, a past officer of the Association of Pet Loss and Bereavement, said the lack of acknowledgement by society that pet death is a legitimate loss motivated her to start the group. She believes the grief one experiences for a deceased pet is just as painful as that for the loss of a human life.
“It is still a loss,” said Smith. “And crying is nothing to be ashamed of. Some people cry more for a pet than some relatives in their family who have died because they weren’t as close to them. That’s understandable.”
The aim of the group is to comfort owners and reassure them that it’s natural to experience such deep feelings of grief and to help them begin healing, according to Smith. Owners of all types of pets — including dogs, cats, birds, fish, horses, guinea pigs, ferrets and iguanas — are welcome to attend.
“A lot of the people who lose pets are devastated,” said Kumor. “They need someone who can listen to them and who can identify with them. A lot of people think it’s ridiculous if someone is sad or cries when he lost a pet, but it’s not.
“Death is a part of life. It’s a normal process, but it’s one of the toughest parts of life. Everyone grieves differently and everyone mourns differently.”
The women are surprised that a stigma about pet grief exists since there are more pets than ever in households today, many having multiple pets under one roof. The Pet Products Association estimates that 39 percent of all households own at least one dog, while 34 percent of all households own at least one cat. Pet care is a multi-million dollar industry.
“Pets are dear to our hearts,” said Smith. “They give you unconditional love like you’ve never seen. Why shouldn’t we experience heartache when they’re gone?”
Smith has seen firsthand the devotion of pet owners. She recalls visiting New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina and seeing the large number of people who died in the flooding because they wouldn’t leave their homes without their animals. She also remembers hearing the painful feelings of guilt from pet owners several years ago when their four-legged companions died from consuming contaminated food.
Depending upon the type of death, pet owners often experience guilt, either over an accident or making the decision to have the family dog or cat put to sleep.
“With pets, things get a little more complicated, since we are their total caregivers, we beat ourselves up over the circumstances,” Smith said. “If it was an illness or cancer, we keep wondering what more we could have done for the animal and why we didn’t know their symptoms sooner. If it was an accident, like leaving the gate open and having our puppy get hit by a car, we have to learn how to forgive ourselves. Accidents happen.”
Letting go
For the past five years, Kumor has owned a hospice care for pets, providing services as the final stop before a pet dies or must be put to sleep. She often helps owners plan euthanasia services and how to decide what to do with the animal’s remains. “It’s not just support for the animal, it’s also support for the owner,” she said.
Although her initial attempt at organizing a pet loss support group in 2000 wasn’t successful, Smith is trying once again to unite pet lovers to support each other during their time of grief.
Smith says the main point she hopes to get across to the group is that the depth of loss is normal. “The first two weeks you feel the loss the hardest,” she said. “It’s almost like having a knife stuck in you and you think you won’t recover.”
She will advise parents on how to explain where Fluffy or Rover is to their children. “If you give honest answers about a pet’s death, a child will understand,” said Smith.
The group sessions usually last about 90 minutes and will not only deal with grief, but also celebrate a pet’s life. Smith said it is not unusual for pet owners to bring the cremated urns of their pets and photos of them to the meetings to share with others.
“One of the things we will do is set aside 20 minutes to think of the good times,” said Smith. “Usually the last memory we have of a pet is the final visit to the veterinarian or seeing him in his stages of illness. But that’s just a small part of our pet’s life. It wasn’t his whole life. We want you to remember all the joy he brought you and the good times.”
And Smith encourages owners who have lost a pet to consider purchasing or adopting a new animal after they have had sufficient time to grieve. “Don’t think of the new pet as a replacement or a substitution for grief,” she said. “And don’t feel guilty about the memory of your lost pet. Since your pet was such a source of joy to you, getting a new pet is the ultimate compliment you can give your deceased pet.”
“Pets are dear to our hearts … Why shouldn’t we experience heartache when they’re gone?”
